The Beauty Of Uncertainty

Spending this one indoors in blissful contemplation of 12 months of changes, rather than outside in the biting wind, or pressed six-to-the-bar in eternal queues and new year's overpricing.

Buy turns interesting, suprising, shocking and reassuring, it's been quite a year, don't you think?

I chanced upon this writer (featured below), quoted in the sleavenotes for KT Tunstall's 'Acoustic Extravaganza'. In the closing hours of 2006 these words seem especially poignant.

Happy New Year to one and all.

Wherever you are.

* * * * *

The Beauty of Uncertainty
by Brian Hendricks

'Doubt is not a pleasant situation, but certainty is absurd' - Voltaire

People with missing children. Children without parents. People without food or water. There are many who are destroyed by not knowing what the future holds.

For those of us more fortunate, the beauty of uncertainty is that it motivates us to seek certainty.

We are compelled to replace doubt with conviction, to replace confusion with clarity, to be more fearful of old ideas instead of new ones. Nothing is more disparaged than the person who is lost, hesitant, and anxious.

Yet the true path to fulfillment comes from these conditions. Uncertainty becomes truly beautiful when connected withthe certainty that there is a better life beyond the life that is known.

The artist, scientist, entrepreneur, athlete, and traveller: all embrace uncertainty as their muse. What is going to happen next is more enticing than what is happening now. The thrill of anticipation, the mystery of the unknown, the open road, mistakes as portals of discovery, the inevitability of change, purpose from chaos, questions leading to answers, failure as the threshold of knowledge. All of these conditions inform the life of the adventurer, the human being who is engaged in becoming.

The beauty of uncertainty is that it prepares us to embrace life in the face of death. Allows us the strength to deal with the freedom to choose. To willingly exchange the fear of uncertainty for the security of certainty is to admit defeat. To surrender to the fear of actually living your life.

As T. S Eliot observed, 'Where is the life we have lost in living?'

Nothing moves forward except by the craving to seek certainty from uncertainty.

Lost In America

Flicking through old newspapers to put in the recycling bin, I stopped in my tracks and read this article in full.

Sale!

Rather hypocritically, considering the closing of my last entry, I escorted mum into the city to peruse the post-Christmas sales.

All I’m wondering is this. Why in the men’s departments or even in dedicated men’s-clothing stores are there just as many, or often more, women about than men? It’s bad enough battling the crowds of slavering shoppers, but isn’t there some little part part of the commercial district of a town that we can have to our grufty selves please? I don’t want to have to have every article of clothing that looks remotely nice immediately snatched out of my sight by the scarlet-tipped claws of some hyperactive girlfriend or wife cooing

“Ooo, I think Jeffrey would love that.”

I end up thinking to myself:

“Well fine then - get Geoffrey’s bloody arse down here then and get out of my way!! Hey lady, check that out - there’s 50% off at Monsoon!”

*Stampede*

"It was Christmas Eve babe..."

Did the Chris Rea-thing (Driving home for Christmas… De de de de-de) yesterday afternoon, so I’m now back up north with parents & family for the duration of the festive period.

Having relaxed into holiday-vibe back up here, mother-dearest and I ventured out to do some traditional last-minute shopping around town. The interest-rate hikes must be really hitting because the shopping centres were surprisingly devoid of the usual hordes of rabid shoppers. Blissfully breezed up to counters and even managed to find a half-decent spot in a café. Seeing that didn’t stress me out in the slightest, dare I say I may actually be getting in a Christmas mood at this point?

Heading round to see some old friends this evening for our usual tradition....

1. Start off at Becky & Dave’s, where she’s done the hostess thing with nibbles-aplenty, and watch whatever tat there is on TV whilst exchanging presents & cards.
2. Then it’s off into Beverley for the gentlest of pub crawls; more emphasis on the merry, than the hardcore drinking that many persist still with.
3. Come midnight we attend mass at Beverley Minster – one of northern Europe’s most spectacular cathedrals – to inject some much-needed spirituality back into the mordern Christmas mayhem.

Now I don't believe you don’t have to be Christian to pay homage to the life of a great man who lived some 2000 years ago and had a profound effect on the course of human history. I’m an agnostic, but I would say I have greater belief in spirit, and the power of religion for good, than I do in the Argos or DFS sales that convince us they will change your world for the better through a simple credit card transaction.

And on that note…

I should really be getting ready to head out.

Wishing you all the very best this Christmas, wherever you are on the planet.

See you on the other side.

Surfacing

I seem to have received a surprising amount of Christmas cards from neighbours, even as a newbie to this random little cul-de-sac. All the more surprising in that with the deep, dark, murk of winter it doesn't seem like I've actually seen any of them to exchange street-side banter with, since forever-and-an-age ago. Are they just being neighbourly, or because they now know I'm a cop (word soon got around it seems) are they just trying to stay on my perceived 'good' side?

Anyway, I got a particularly nice surprise in the post the other morning. I opened an envelope to find this gorgeous hand-made card.

And I quote...

"Dear Ingmar,It was about a year ago, that I bought some travel books from Waterstone's, including "The Worst Journey In The World" which you had recommended. These were presents and you gave me some very helpful guidance.

As a grateful customer I would like to thank you with this card, drawn on a cruise, as I thought it would be of interest. Earlier this year I learnt that you have moved on, but Steve [my old manager] kindly gave me your name and said he would forward this onto you.

I hope you are enjoying your new employment.

With best wishes for Christmas & 2007."

[illustration was labelled "settlement near Sisimuit, west coast of Greenland"

Now, for me it really is the smallest things. The little gestures. Someone taking time and effort out from their daily routine to simply be... Kind. Things like that can not only can lift a whole day, they've already added to general upward-trajectory of feeling and self-belief. Something I think I've been sorely lacking of late.

See this has come around the time of an easing of pressure somewhat, to do with work and the trials hitherto. A break. A chance to mentally regroup and prepare for the real fun and games in the new year.

On Monday I had my 'final exam' of the theory-learning stage. Now this was something that I'd been literally loosing sleep over for weeks. Following a massive wake-up call about halfway through the course (a pretty shocking test-mark), I had my own very private long dark night of the soul. Spent many a night awake; questioning my choices, my abilities, my raison d'etre. Hard work, revision and grit saw it through. I think. Or maybe a fucking great stroke of luck (excuse my French). I passed to my complete and utter relief. Astonishingly, I sail through with a half-decent mark and some colleagues who hitherto had exhibited little outward signs of crisis... Failed. Quite spectacularly. A real surprise that. Perhaps it was perversely, a good outcome afterall then in that I didn't become complacent along the way?

We break for Christmas in a few days. But, the trials are by no means over at all. Come January 8th I head out onto the streets with a tutor constable. Real people. Real lives. Real situations.
A chance for another deep breath now, before I dive into things once more.

Santa madness

Disney tells Santa clone ho-ho no

More Fuzz

It's only THE full trailer for one of my most eagerly anticipated movies of 2007!

Police career aside - I loved 'Shaun' and was a massive fan of 'Spaced'. The team can do no wrong.

Can't wait!

Rolling news, rolling murder

Apologies if this little ramble may come across as insensitive right now.

I'm an ardent news junkie. I love my news me. I generally have to catch a bulletin at least once a day because I'm genuinely fascinated by the myriad of things that occur across our planet each day. But of late, I've occasionally been close to putting my foot through the television at times.

I mean what is it with the media right now? Give them some serial murders and they think it's Christmas.

Oh, okay it is Christmas... But they're reporting with about as much sensitivity and restraint right now as a kid on Christmas morning, don't you think? Even the usually sober BBC is trying to out-report and out 'shock' Sky News more than normal.

Flicked on the 24-news upon returning from a long day at work. Kept it on in the background whilst fixing tea...

Anchor hands over to a positively excited looking reporter outside Suffolk Police HQ who has nothing new to tell us supposedly slavering viewers, but they definitely

"Have the feeling that the pace of events here have stepped up a gear..."

They don't know how, or why, but they just know that. From sources unknown.

Cut to irresponsible ex-detective who helpfully explains CID for Dummies to any would-be murderers watching.

Cut back to reporter at HQ, looking for all intents and purposes like a schoolchild bursting to tell the teacher. Ooo! Ooo! We've had...

Reports of a missing girl in the area... We don't know who she is, where she's gone missing... But we know that's how the other girls ended up...

'BREAKING NEWS: Missing girl' scrolls across the bottom of the screen within seconds.

Back to the studio for a news round up of other events in the world, some equally horrible.

Back once again to Suffolk.

Anything new?

Nope. But soon. We're sure of that.

Obsessive?

Well, stay with us for all the latest.

Only a few minutes later, it's back to a 'related' story - an interview with the parents of Rachel Whitear, a girl who died consumed by her Heroin addiction. Her parents allowed the use of the now imfamous image of her dead, curled-up black/blue body, in a hard-hitting anti-drugs campaign. Reporter decides to throw in the spectacularly tactful question:

"Did she become involved in prostitution?"

Reply - an utterly firm (and barely disguising shock); No!

...And then cut to a news-round up, complete with aerial shots of Ipswich and repeated use of the word Fear.

Then?

I switched off.

(Addendum: Said missing girl was thankfully found safe according to the later news)

Awwww

In amongst all the murder, death and destruction there's some wonderful, heart-warming stories to be found still.

This is one.

Sky

From NASA's Space Shuttle website:

"A large bird appears to chase Space Shuttle Discovery as it roars into space and emblazons the night sky."

Wow, cool.

I don't think I ever fail to be amazed.

Do click for the larger version, to get the full impact of the image, if you have a moment.

Week nineteen

Looking back through my timetables and binders whilst revising this evening...

Subjects covered in the last 10 weeks:

• Powers of Arrest/Entry, Summons, Warrants
• Discretion
• Decision Making
• Theft/Robbery/Burglary/Deceptions/Aggravated
• Taking Without Consent/Aggravated
• Criminal Damage
• Criminal Attempts
• Offensive Weapons/Going Equipped
• Drugs
• Giving Evidence
• Witness/Suspect Interviews
• Disclosure
• 'CSI stuff': scenes of crime, DNA, fingerprints, exhibits, preservation, impressions
• Custody Procedure/Bail
• Breach of the Peace/Public Order/Fixed-Penalty Notices
• MG Files
• Civil Disputes
• Missing Persons
• Traffic Law - Classification/Licensing/Driving whilst disqualified/Document Production/Fixed-Penalty Notices/Summons/Drink-Driving/Road Traffic Collisions/Goods Vehicles

...And that's the abridged version, there's plenty of other subjects underneath all of those headings.

No wonder my head is swimming. Now, am I waving? Am I drowning? That remains to be seen.

But it has been wildly interesting thus far. A very different view of daily life, to say the last.

On an aside, but related note. The news of these murders in Ipswich is grim indeed, but don't you find it unsettling how certain sections of the media seem almost 'excited' to have another potential serial killer on their hands? I mean, glance at any tabloid, watch the ITV evening news... The fascination is at times just as disturbing.

The Brotherhood

Or call it Sisterhood then if you wish to get all PC.

...PC?!

Get it?

*groan*

Anyway, for the purposes of this little ramble, sod the gender-neutral terms for a moment.

I was just thinking today how much I'm beginning to appreciate the aforementioned brotherhood which seems to exist in the Police Force. Sure, there's the same gossip, the same competitive edge and sneering that you get in any workplace. But when it comes down to it - I really do get the impression that everyone looks out for each other. It's like we're all pulling in the same direction and we have the same goal; safer and closer communities. However as Police Officers we're aided and fought by those very communities on a daily basis - dammed if we do, damned if we don't. We have to band together, work as one.

Walking around my local force HQ I'm continually surprised in the best possible way by how many strangers say 'hello' as they pass by, hold doors open for you politely, or if you're looking slightly lost ask if you're OK. Police Trainers who we may have only had for an hour, weeks ago, are eager to hear our progress. Officers at the stations, though it be because they're short of manpower, can't wait to get us out there on the streets. Everyone genuinely seems to want us to succeed, and specific trainers are always looking our for our welfare, fighting our corners. They were there once; hence most are always eager to help.

I've never known this in any workplace before, and I can't think of many workplaces where such an ethos is apparent.

And I've come to rely on it already. These last few weeks have been particularly stressful, however it seems apparent that so many are willing me on, ready to catch me if I fall.

Weird Al Yankovic - Polkarama!

I'm usually quite indifferent to Weird Al, but this track is fabulous.

Guaranteed to raise a smile.

Absolutely creased up once it hit 02:35.

Passing time

I feel like crap.

I'm bored, uninspired and lonely.

So I nicked this from a fellow blogger to pass the time.

That, is what I'm reduced to these days.

* * * *

Place an 'X' by all the things you've done, or remove the 'X' from the ones you have not.

This is for your entire life!

Smoked a cigarette (unless tokes count)
Drank so much you threw up X
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back X
Been arrested No, but will do soon...
Gone on a blind date
Skipped school X
Seen someone die
Been to Canada X
Been to Florida
Been to Mexico
Been on a plane X
Been lost X
Been on the opposite side of the country X (and the world)
Gone to Chicago X
Swam in the ocean X
Felt like dying X
Cried yourself to sleep X
Played cops and robbers X (and now it's my job, hurrah!)
Recently colored with crayons
Sang karaoke I avoid it like the plague
Paid for a meal with only coins X
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't X
Made prank phone calls X
Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose X
Caught a snowflake on your tongue X
Danced in the rain X
Written a letter to Santa Claus X
Been kissed under the mistletoe
Watched the sun rise with someone you care about X
Blown bubbles X
Made a bonfire on the beach X
Crashed a party X
Gone roller skating X
Ice-skating X
Any nicknames? Umm, Ing?!
Ever steal any traffic signs?
Ever been in a car accident? Will soon attend many...
Was it your fault? N/A
2 Doors or 4 Doors? I'm with Rose on the 5-door hatchbacks
Salad dressing? None specifically
Favorite pie? Apple, although the 'Twin Peaks' fan in me wants to say Cherry
Favorite number? 7 or 5
Favorite movie? Contact
Favorite holiday? August Bank Holiday
Favorite dessert? Rhubarb crumble
Favorite food? I was only thinking the other day, I really miss Pytt-I-Panna (a Swedish dish)
Favorite day of the week? Friday
Favorite brand of body soap? Dove
Favorite TV show? Either Lost or the new Battlestar Gallactica
Favorite Toothpaste? Aquafresh
Favorite smell? Fresh Coffee
What do you do to relax? Read
Do you have a message to your friends reading this now? Whatever it was, I'm sorry, ok?
How do you see yourself in 10 years? Honestly? I have no idea. I mean, I aspire, but I just don't know where I'll end up.
What do you do when you are bored? Fill in things like this.

Nice day for a white wedding...

Departed here just gone 06:00 Saturday allowing me to get a good jump on the southbound traffic and allowed me to rather pleasantly discover a fabulously funky new radio show (because, why else would I be awake at stupid-o'clock on a Saturday morning?).

Whilst driving down the M5 past Bristol, hours later, I get a call from my friend Becky (yes, Bluetooth headset = legal, thankyouverymuch). Anyway, so it turns out she's on the same route but only about 15 miles behind. So, after having slowed to 50mph for a while (anyone who knows my driving will know what an excruciatingly painful experience that was for me), she catches up and we were able drive in convoy the rest of the way. Whilst I arrived in good spirits, she most certainly did not. As soon has her partner was out of earshot she muttered something about "being divorced in a year at this rate" (he was being quite the grumpy bugger), and we continue to have this conversation as we cross the car park to the site of our mutual friends' wedding...

The Wedding itself? Well, a fabulous, if rather expensive venue. Rumours abound of the jaw-dropping price the whole wedding shebang was costing (over 20k!!) - staggering seeing that they're both in in-between jobs and are living with her parents. A little birdie (mate of mine - the best man) even mentioned they'd taken out two loans to finance it all. One memorable day versus years of financial strain ahead?!

But she always did want the fairy tale wedding. And fabulous they did look too; they deserve it, bless 'em. Wonderful people, both mad as Badgers, and that's why they make such a good couple.

Great thing about a civil ceremony as well? They cut the crap. Less readings, no hymns, no dodgy singing. Just wham-bam-thank-you-bride, and hey presto y'married!


Nice reception afterwards; lovely food, good conversation and cute East European waitresses.

The evening 'do'? A 50's jazz band got things going, which was all well, classy and good. However the set went on for almost three hours with very little up tempo stuff. Shame really. So, Strictly Come Dancing on Valium it was then.

So the DJ sets up next, one would have thought to get the party started in a Pink sense. Ah, no. She proceeds to spin records one after the other which surely must have been picked from some Channel 4 'worst records of all time' list. Most of us sat staring into our drinks, aghast, and even the bride & groom looked a little embarrassed when the second Black Lace tune of the night was played. Cheesy? Well of course it's meant to be, it's a wedding for crying out loud. But no need to tip the scale into vintage Camembert...

A minor shame to end such a wonderful day in a bad Peter Kay sketch sort of way. However, this did allow plenty of time to chat (or at least try to chat with my still-hoarse voice), to friends old & new. Apparently many tip me the next in the circle of friends to get married, out of the three remaining bachelor candidates. I can't say I'd put a bet on myself though. I known Albatrosses with busier love-lives, I'm embarking on a career with incredibly unsociable hours and my all-round self-confidence plums new depths. So no, I don't see it myself.

Went to bed in the early hours as the storm front was hitting, the evidence of which was all around on the drive up. Gorgeous cooked breakfast this morning though in the plush surroundings before pointing the car north(ish) for the drive home. Uneventful, if a little slower journey home thanks to the usual god-awful merging etiquette on Britain's motorways. However this did allow for a longer more varied mix of CD's played in the car on the way home; from Madonna's Immaculate Collection through early Coldplay via the latest Faithless.

Tiring? Yes. Expensive? Bloody. Worth it? Of course. As stated previously; they're great friends and I'd do anything, or go anywhere for them. Even Plymouth.

Next up, Christmas.

It's looming worrying close already don't you think?

Red

"Good evening, you're listening to..."

Unfortunately I seem to have caught some bug whilst out & about on exercises & things these past few days.

I have a gnawing headache right now and my voice has dropped a few octaves.

However this does bless me with what I call my Radio 4 voice.

"VIKING NORTH UTSIRE SOUTH UTSIRE FORTIES CROMARTY FORTH SOUTH OR SOUTHWEST 6 TO GALE 8, OCCASIONALLY SEVERE GALE 9, DECREASING 4 OR 5 LATER. ROUGH OR VERY ROUGH, INCREASING HIGH IN VIKING, NORTH UTSIRE AND FORTIES. RAIN THEN FAIR. MODERATE OR GOOD"

The ladies love it, apparently, or some of my colleagues tell me. It sounds vaguely seductive I think until I punctuate a sentence with a cough or splutter at least.

Looking forward to attending the aforementioned wedding this weekend however - said couple are getting married here. Rather posh, huh? (and at that price/room/night I'd bloody hope so too)

Still dreading the drive, even if I'm breaking it up via my brother's near Reading, but nothing I can do about that. Especially all-in-one go on the way back.

[23:20 - Change of plan. With croaky throat that I hope to get rid of soon but don't want to spread to brother /gf, I'm now going to drive down in one go early Saturday morning... Oh joy]

But they're good friends, and I'd drive the length of the country for them if asked.

Drive

I've just found out I can incorporate watching BBC1's Traffic Cops into revision on an evening.

"One more word out of you mate and I'll have you under Section 5 of the Public Order Act."

I actually have an idea what he meant by that as well.

Damn sight more interesting than starting at another Powerpoint print out anyway.

Talking about traffic, there'll be plenty of it over the weekend. Friends of mine are getting married at the weekend in the spectacularly inconvenient location of Plymouth, and there doesn't seem to be any other option but to drive. Car sharing isn't an option, and last-minute train ticket would cost a small fortune.

Hopefully if we get away early on Friday, and I can negotiate to have the sofa overnight at my brother's (near Reading), then I shouldn't arrive half-dead at the wedding.

Not much else to report otherwise. Bit all over the region at different stations doing different elements of training.

Same shit, different sector.

Work & few pleasures

My parents dropped by again on another flying visit yesterday, car and trailer full of goodies towed over from my auntie's place in Leeds.

As luck would have it since I've moved into this place a few of my relatives have decided to have clearouts and starting decking their places out like shiny MFI showrooms. Spare furniture has been donated to yours truly, which is absolutely fine by me. Besides, I think older second-hand stuff actually gives a place atmosphere, rather than the sterility of something right out of an advertising catalogue.

So I now have a bigger bed and a lovely solid new coffee table. As chance would have it those are just a two of my favourite things; beds and coffee. Good stuff.

Parents has also brought over the biggest Sheppard's Pie known to man and left a good half of it in my fridge, which will last me a few meals. Utterly delightful to come home to in an evening and only have to microwave for a few minutes.

Nothing particularly important to report from the weekend otherwise. A mixture of work and few pleasures. I'm still buckling under the weight of study pressure and expectation. But all I can do is try.

Joy, though - the new Faithless album came out today.

Simple pleasures indeed.

The fridge & the underworld

Some of you have shared your notice boards, I use my fridge.

I use my calendar for all the important reminders, but I can't be bothered to post two piccies.

So there you go.

More interestingly the powers that be reluctantly let us take home our Police Radios for the weekend. We have exercises elsewhere in the county early next week, away from where we are usual stationed.

We're under strict instructions however to...

• Only listen passively
• Inform control if we lose the unit
• Whereby we will have one hour to find the unit before control sends out a signal to fry it
  

Listening to the radio chatter this evening has so far been really, really interesting.

Appears to be a quiet Friday night doesn't it?

Far from it.

And that's all I'm allowed to say.

Tears

The night before the burial of her husband's body, Katherine Cathey refused to leave the casket, asking to sleep next to his body for the last time.

The Marines made a bed for her, tucking in the sheets below the flag. Before she fell asleep, she opened her laptop computer and played songs that reminded her of "Cat," and one of the Marines asked if she wanted them to continue standing watch as she slept.

"I think it would be kind of nice if you kept doing it," she said. "I think that's what he would have wanted."

* * * * *

Sat down in front of the news this evening, probably more unsettled than usual.

Crap day at work, see.

But then...

I began to cry.

(I don't care what image that potrays of a 29-year-old trainee Police Officer, I have a right to be human too)

On the news they showed a deperately sad interview with American war widow Katherine Cathey; she was the subject of a Pulitzer-Prize winning portfolio of photographs earlier this year. It had to be one of the most moving interviews, and some of the most impactful images I've ever seen.

Take a moment out from whatever you are doing and follow this link.

Elbow - Fallen Angel

All the fallen angels
Roostin’ in this place
Count back the weeks on worried fingers
Virgin mother whats’erface

Chorus
You don’t need to sleep alone
You bring the house down
Choose your favourite shoes
And keep your blues on cruise control

All the gelded mongrel
Bear their teeth for you
Drag your feathers ‘cross the dancefloor
Throw your shapes electric blue

Don’t fall to pieces on me

My brain hurts

Even learning it piece by piece, the scale of what we're expected to know is seriously scaring the crap out of me.

Week fifteen now and I've almost filled my third ring-binder full of PowerPoint presentations, lesson notes and miscellaneous reading.

How the hell am I supposed to digest all of that?

Even slimed down to the basic 'definition booklet' which is the core of what we'e supposed to learn, there's still over a hundred basic definitions to memorise; verbatim. I'm not talking one-liners either... Paragraphs worth, for each.

Some of us are planning revision meetings when it gets to that critical time before our final exams, because learning alone is not particularly conducive.

Plus it just reminds me about being cold and lonely anyway.

Which accurately describes the bed also, to which I will soon retire.

Weekend

...And quite a nice one too thankyouverymuch.

Work released us in the early afternoon on Friday meaning I got a nice head-start on the usual rush-hour traffic. Arrived back at the parents' for tea, followed by my brother and his partner arriving a few hours later. The gang was all there, essentially.

I hadn't seen my brother for a good three months or so, as he'd been out in sunny Helmand Province in Afghanistan for a good while with the Royal Air Force. Great to catch up with him and hear some suitably weird & wonderful stories from that volatile part of the world. Nice also that he had his partner in tow as well. She's a lovely lass and I really hope it works out between them now that he's moving in with her. Wasn't sure about his last girlfriend, but this one I've decided has the sibling-seal-of-approval.

Saw Hull City along with 16,000 others at the KC succumb to two weak goals from an otherwise unimpressive Stoke City team. The BBC Match report is bullshit, they were must have been watching another match entirely. City dominated, the Stoke goalmouth was under constant fire - they were just lucky they converted their two shots on goal whilst City couldn't quite.

Come the evening we saw Casino Royale at the flicks, which was actually rather good. Gone is the techno-overdrive of Die Another Day. Casino introduces a leaner, meaner bond and explains the true genesis of his character. Ladies, you'll love his now infamous emerging-from-the-water scene, whilst I was mesmerised by the lovely, lovely Eva Green. *purr*

On an aside, I'm thrilled that both Craig and Green have been cast in the first film adaptation of Philip Pullman's Dark Materials Trilogy. I can now, after some thought, kinda' picture him as Lord Asriel, and she'll make a suitably enigmatic Serafina Pekkala. What, you haven't read the books? Do yourself a favour on these dark winter nights...

Sunday was equally chilled out; lazy Sunday morning coffees with family, then lazy afternoon coffees with friends.

Which probably explained why I had trouble sleeping last night, following a swift 90-minute return journey. Well, all the caffeine, the fact the house was freezing and the absolute roaring gale outside, the sound of which was magnified further by the large wood at the rear of the house.

Waking up and dangling my limbs out from underneath the oh-so-cozy covers was torture this morning.

And so began another week.

You can't fight it alone

Had a talk today with one of my mentors today.

One of those frequent "How are you getting on?" reviews, in which one usually goes through the motions and merely suggests

"Oh, fine..."

(read: Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional... however, they never pick up on that)

So I thought I may as well use the opportunity to actually get something out of the discussion for a change. I admitted that I have been finding recent weeks, the law input especially, very hard indeed.

We talked through reasons why I may be struggling somewhat, and solutions.

What did stick in my mind for the rest of the day however, is the very true observation of how I sometimes handle problems. I'm not always the first to ask for help; not through arrogance, but that I have a need to prove to myself that I can do it. It probably links into my self-belief, or lack thereof, no doubt.

"You can't always fight it alone" remarked my mentor.

True. Very true.

Anyway, on a lighter note, this is the funniest thing I've seen all day.

Click. Click now.

One man and his backpack

My first experiment with Windows Movie Maker, and doing something different for a change with all my travel photos.

Cool, huh?

Cold Water Music

My mood had already plummeted since Friday. I'd been due to go out on the evening with some work-mates but cancelled on them. We had a 'halfway' test earlier on that day and the result I got back was rather disappointing. I passed, but it felt like I scraped. I thought I was coping, I thought I was getting by OK, but clearly that was a big wake-up call.

This ain't easy, it never was going to be, and it isn't going to get any easier, anytime soon.

I don't know what to put it to, maybe it's my learning style, maybe I just clammed-up in the test. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not sleeping well, maybe I just need more good old-fashioned hard work, or more often than now, maybe it's my lack of self-belief.

So I text a friend to say that I would only leaden the vibes if I headed out with them, and that was that. Since I had no particular place to go, or anyone to see over the weekend, i just closed the door and let the weekend unfold at its own pace.

Spent most of this weekend...

Reading through Saturday's Guardian

Downloading new episodes of Lost and Battlestar Galactica through the wonder of YouTube

Weeding in the garden

Food shopping

Expertly finding new ways to avoid study before realising that that may be the key to my ultimate failure

Nursing bottles of wine

Reloading the washing machine a few times

Reading really interesting news articles online

Trawling Google/YouTube for aforementioned cheesy 80's track

Watching V for Vendetta

Playing any relaxed, funky loungy music to hand

Starting reading The Time Traveller's Wife

Going through some old clothes to donate to a charity shop in town

Sitting still, and listening to the quiet whisper of the gas fire as the day darkens into another cold night

Things are OK, if-.

Nah, forget it.

Been there before.

Anyway, again my quiet self-pity is put into sharp focus with breaking news from Iraq. Four British Servicemen are reported killed in Basra.

And, oh god, it's Remembrance Day.

Wang Chung - Dance Hall Days

Please excuse the 80's cheese. I caught a random snippet of this in a store the other day and was racking my brains as to what the hell it was. Spent much of the weekend trawling the depths of google to find the answer with only a few lyrics and the riff floating around in my head. Along the way I convinced myself it was David Bowie, much to the confusion of a big David Bowie fan.

Please don't feel obliged to view the video in full unless you're bored and/or in a nostalgic mood.

Still, cheese aside, proves they don't quite do riffs and mullets like they used to.

Goldfrapp - Pilots (On a star)

Saturday morning moods...

What next?!

I mean, what is it with some people?

"A Christian lobby group has claimed the wearing of red poppies is "politically correct" and stifles debate."

Excuse my French, but go read any history of the First World War. Go and speak to a veteran, you absolute fuckwits.

And shame on you for tarnishing the name of millions of perfectly sensible Christians out there.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the pond...

Bush just got his hands truly tied by the US mid-term results, and an American friend of mine is going positively orgasmic over the results, and the fact that Donald Rumsfeld just resigned.

Well you'd be, if you'd been fed up to the back teeth with your government for over six years. I should take notes on how to survive it; I dread the creepingly inevitable conservative government that looms over here.

Choice quote from ITV news:

[during his departure speech]

"Rumsfeld looked almost bitter, as if no-one quite understood the war like he did..."

And here's Rummie in his own words, back in 2002:

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know."

(Answers on a postcard...)

Week thirteen

...And 13 random job-thoughts thus far.

1. Putting on the uniform now feels perfectly normal.
2. I now automatically write surnames in CAPITALS.
3. The stares from people don't phase me as much now.
4. I find myself quoting legislation and grumbling at the TV news alot.
5. Walking down the street I actually take notice of the people passing by, instead of walking along on 'autopilot'.
6. Since we keep a record of everything we do during our police career, I can tell you exactly what I was doing at any given time, on andy given day whilst on duty (within reason).
7. I now rarely go anywhere without my warrant card.
8. The quotient of jargon that peppers my speech has increased tenfold.
9. Being 6'3" and wearing body armour actually makes one look a little intimidating.
10. On any long-distance drive I run over in my mind what the hell I would do if I was first on-site to a road traffic collision.
11. In some respects my life is currently more organised than ever.
12. I truly relish the value of a sleep-in once again.
13. And I find myself increasingly drawn to the 'brotherhood' of the police - that fact that we're all in this together; we're not exactly the most popular members of society and we really do need to look out for each other.

This lonely planet

Interesting sights driving back down from Yorkshire this evening. Every town, every city I passed may well have been at war, such was the intensity of fireworks lighting up the night sky.

Special thanks must go to the eejits who let off a number of airbombs right next to the motorway. I mean that's not going to scare the crap out of high-speed drivers now is it?

Glad I got back in time to watch Planet Earth though and duly spent the last hour utterly mesmerised.

What a contrast though when it's followed by the latest news, unsurprisingly dominated by Iraq once more. Makes one wonder sometimes when we really earned the right to shape this planet so completely, not just for ourselves, but the innumerable species with which we share it.

This teeming, noisy, yet lonely planet... Millions of miles in either direction?

Silence.

Hot Fuzz

Fabulous. The team behind the brilliant Shaun of the Dead have only gone and made a cop movie.

I see my career flashing before my eyes - quite literally. I like to think I'd be more like Simon Pegg's character (the blonde one), however I worry I'll end up more like Nick Frosts' (the dark-haired one).

Spam

I use Hotmail pretty much most of the time these days. I've gotten fed up changing E-Mail addresses over time, and besides it gets a little tricky for friends & family to keep up after a while. However, I do have one old E-Mail address (I used for a while) that's still ticking over, and I keep checking it periodically to make sure that nothing important has somehow arrived in the Inbox there. All it really seems to do though is catch spam/junkmail like some great big electronic fly-paper.

Have you ever actually stopped, before you've hit [delete], and glanced at the contents of some of these random emails? Most offer loans, porn, degrees and diamonds, and I realise everything down to the content and the email address are randomly generated by computers, but some are like such surreal little works.

This was my favourite today:

"Sent: Mon 27/11/2006 11:29
From: Cody Holliday [CodyHolliday@greatintltravel.com]
To: ing
Subject: one-night stand oil tanker

agreed in wishing, for the sake of their sister's feelings and consequence, that she should be noticed on and even before two words have been exchanged, nothing can be said in her defence, except that she"

Worth reprinting for the title alone.

Come and rest your bones with me

Had a real tiredness attack last night for no apparent reason and turned in at 22:00. Indeed, quite the Saturday night. With the clocks going back this meant a good 11-hours of uninterrupted sleep, straight through. And dreams. Deep and exceedingly strange ones. Interpret this, anyone - At one point I was aboard the International Space Station. Floating away, just enjoying being weightless. A woman was there too, the inevitable had happened. *ahem*, anyway... The view out the window was of course the Earth, but at an altitude of only several hundred meters. Serene and perfectly silent and still. Huh?

Really must rave on about Bent's new album at the moment. Had moments in Berlin where I was strolling around with it on my MP3 player; the hairs stood up on the back of my neck and the whole city at once seemed transformed. Ah, the power of music. Screw the charts, way down the numbers is where you find the best stuff.

With that in the background, I read for a while. Currently reading 'Carrie' by Stephen King. Was relating to a friend of mine the other day that I find if difficult to read anything 'deep' at the moment, what with the Police info-dump drowning my poor little brain. I just need a good absorbing page-turner. Plus, it reads well now with the seasonal shift.

Spent all morning doing housework (yes ladies I am fully house-trained), shredding old documents and watching the end of Syriana (I had to give up last night - I was falling asleep, not because it wasn't good, but because of said tiredness attack).

Shock-horror it's actually a nice mild autumn day and the washing is almost dry. Wow.

Bombs

'Bombs' by Faithless

Great new track & provocative video from their forthcoming new album. People think that 'intelligent dance music' is an oxymoron, but I beg to differ.

Faith in the system

I realise this is a real powder-keg of a topic, but I felt quite shocked upon reading the article this evening. Should the awful experience of some cases, and some victims, blur the view of others so completely? I realise to that as a male, and a police officer, I cannot really view this topic objectively. However, god forbid should such a terrifying and humiliating experience ever happen to said author in the future, I wonder if she really would reconsider her position? I find her views in the final paragraph deeply disturbing indeed.

Picture this

Phew, took long enough uploading, tweaking and annotating... But the Berlin pics are now online at my Yahoo! photos site.

I'm ready... Ready for what's next...

Until later this week/next when I get the best of the pics uploaded & captioned on my Yahoo! site, here's another for your perusal. I love the way the globe on the TV tower reflects the sun in the shape of a cross. Now there's symmetry for you.

Subtle reference to...

Berlin Dispatch #2

More random exerpts from my travel journal:

"Remember; leave journal and Lonely Planet highly visible on table to advertise that I am merely a hungry traveller and not that sad that I make a habit out of lone dining..."

"Spent a while contemplating the stark reliefs of the Holocaust Monument and some visitors' complete and staggering lack of decorum. It's a memorial to over six million dead - not a playground."

"Would have had a bite to eat there, but the prices seemed almost double anywhere else, and besides the opportunity to grab a Bison burger from this Canadian Deli I'd seen earlier seemed too good to miss. I mean, hey, when in Berlin..."

"Finally figured out Berlin's transit system. Forget anything you know from London. Virtually ignore colours and numbers for that matter, all you need to know is the terminus and all importantly whether it's an 'S' or a 'U'. Really, it's that simple it took me days to grasp."

"Kaiser-Wilhelm Gedachtniskirche. Try saying that after a few drinks."

"I thought, to be honest, that she was meeting up with me for dinner meerly to be polite. However, this clearly wasn't the case. The body language, the sparkling eyes and the fact that she actually seemed to be listening to me, and not just hearing, made for a wonderful evening. See, this is my problem though, I meet women hundreds, even thousands of miles away from home when I'm relaxed and actually at ease with myself. Never at home, when I'm probably too tightly coiled to notice anyone who dares notice me."

"Potsdam, like Berlin, was somewhat underwhelming on first impressions. However, at the end of a gorgeous clear blue day, having explored the old town and the stunning Schloss and gardens, the spell had indeed been cast."

"...Felt that was plenty of time, but of course Sod's Law meant that anything that could slow the journey to the airport down, probably would. So 3 U-Bahn changes, a bus transfer and several unnervingly stationary trains later I made it to check in with some 15 minutes to spare."

"Clouds freckle the landscape below and a haze threatens to blanket the gorgeous checkwork-pattern that is Western Europe from 37,000ft."

[This was uploaded at home. Back now. Bugger... Anyway, more pics to follow later in the week...]

Berlin Dispatch

Quick few exerpts from my travel journal scribbled thus far...

"Sometimes I'm embarrassed to be British... Like observing how we queue so enthusiasticlally for almost anything. We'd queue in an orderly fashion for Armageddon if someone asked politely. But then I see sights like this - flying out over the Thames Estuary on a clear bright day; England just slipped away into the sea like some glittering jewel. Simply stunning."

"This may or may not be a German Starbucks, I'm not quite sure. It's bang in the centre of Potsdamer Platz and the faux-ambiance is tuned to the right level of cheesy, so chance are..."

"To be honest it was less of a firework display and more of a laser-light show. This being Berlin they started blasting dance music out over the PA to the massed crowds, turning it essentially into one big rave-up. I mean, all we needed were some glowsticks and a little more room to start throwing shapes..."

"I may or may-not have a date for Friday. Sort-of. Problem is, it's been so long I've kind forgotten what they are."

"Didn't get going until late and in my infinite wisdom bought a travel pass for the U-Bahn. Daft idea and a waste of money really - seeing that when I travel solo I more-often-than-not end up walking the ass off any city I find myself in."

"Great to be met by someone at Arrivals for a change [old family freind] - it sometimes gets a little depressing wading through the sea of smiling faces when you know you're arriving somewhere alone."

From Luton To Berlin...

...In every disco I get in....

*ahem*

Right, I'm off for a week.

And not a moment too soon.

Be good.

Mercy

In these volatile times, this is a remarkable gesture.

Do Your Thing

Loving YouTube right now.

This song totally reminds me of last night - and I never realised it had such a great video!




'Do Your Thing' by Basement Jaxx

Release

Hooked up with some work colleagues and what I thought was going to be fairly average night yesterday. Assumed it would just be making polite conversation with people who I wasn't really sure that I had much in common with, but to my delight it turned into a really funky affair; deep into the night. Plenty of conversations about the course and the people from every conceivable angle threw up the realisation that half of the stuff I was worrying about - everyone else was too, and I wasn't the only person who was very aware that a certain clique had formed and was working against much of the camaraderie generated over our ten weeks together. All the usual suspects weren't out drinking, meaning some of us quieter-types got a chance to actually get a word in edgeways and shine. Didn't pull, hadn't set out to, but dangerously walked the line for a while with a colleague whilst their partner was otherwise engaged. Not one of my brighter ideas.

Anyway, it's the first time in a while that I've really let go since I've been down here. Forgotten. Unwound. I just wish I could stabilise my frame of mind though; these peaks and troughs aren't allowing me to settle in any sense of the word.

Ten weeks had brought us a long way (baby), but all of us have been gasping for air. One week off, and then it's another ten, with the pressure ratcheted up a notch.

Before I go. My hair. I'm fed up with it. It's short, mousy and far too fine and light to do anything with. I mean believe you me, I've tried gels, waxes and everything but I can't give it the volume or hold required. I'm seriously considering shaving it really close in the coming months. Is this another one of my not so bright ideas? I have at least two scars on my head and I hope woudn't look like some complete thug should I go through with it. I suppose at least if it looks completely ridiculous, it grows back. In theory. Hmmm.... Anyway, just a thought. Opinions please.

Other than that; t-minus 48 hours. Right, where's my rucksack?

Duck!

You may have seen this on the news already, but this is the slightly longer version with the amusing banter beforehand...

The journey, not the destination

One of my favourite childhood memories was that of taking the ferry across the North Sea to Sweden. Each summer our family would take the car over on one of the DFDS ferries from Newcastle or Harwich, in England, to Gothenburg in Sweden, a sailing of some 26 hours.

Only the other day I heard a journalist remark that people today seem to travel in time, rather than distance. Thinking about it now, a journey that takes 26 hours by ship is now flown by most in under 2.

Citing the usual depressingly familiar cost-cutting excuses of 'high fuel prices' and 'competition from low-cost airlines', I heard with great disappointment from my father this evening that DFDS have closed the England-Sweden ferry routes.

I know for a fact that this news won't even bat an eyelid with any of you, and I wouldn't even expect it to, yet upon hearing the news this evening I was absolutely gutted.

I spent countless carefree summers as a child visiting my relatives in Sweden, and one of the most enjoyable parts of those holidays was always the ferry journey itself. Boarding, finding the cabin and exploring the ship. Pulling away from the port, waving at strangers on the quayside, heading out to sea and watching the land grow ever smaller until the sky merged with the sea. The rhythmic pulsing of the engines, the gentle roll of the boat in high seas, the fresh clean air and wind upon my face when up on deck. Oil rigs twinkling in the darkness, way past my bedtime, and getting lost in the endless corridors of what at the time seemed like the largest vessel in the world to my little feet. Simple experiences I know, but to me these seemed like an incredible adventure.

The most magical part of the journey would always be the final few hours before we docked in Gothenburg; sailing up the Danish coast, rounding the tip of Denmark and the slow, precise navigation through the archipelago of islands on final approach into the port of Gothenburg. We'd stand up on deck on this mighty ship, sailing past the countless small rocky islands, some no larger than the houses that were built rather precariously upon them. Looking down into the water I'd see Jellyfish drift past; it always used to confuse me them being this far north, until my dad told me about the Gulf Stream... The memories roll on.

I know these things aren't lost forever; but that cohesive experience I will never be able to repeat or relive now, which came as an unexpected, crushing shame. I'd always hoped to take the ferry over again one day. It's like someone just stole a part of my childhood. I'd sort-of always expected it to be there, forevermore.

I'm taking to the skies again soon, in less than a week. But I need to learn to slow down, and take the scenic route once in a while. To enjoy the journey, not just the destination. The world can look beautiful from high above, but often it's even more so down there in the detail, and at a pace at which it can be truly appreciated.

Bits of kit

I've exhausted myself with moping, so here's something interesting to read for a change. Or not as the case my be, but indulge me anyway.




What you see in the picture is my utility belt and component bits of kit; what I'm now trained to use and can have at my disposal when we venture out into the big scary world on exercise or other duty. From left to right - autolock baton (extendable & nasty), small medical kit pouch, large 'miscellaneous' pouch, CS incapacitant spray (well, the holster at least, CS itself does not get issued until I actually go operational) and the rigid handcuffs (don't get too excited). Bit disappointed they didn't issue a Batarang, but nevermind.

Here's an interesting point though - at least three bits of kits on there are non-issue, namely, the bulbous baton-handle, the baton-holster and bungee-cord CS-holster. What we do get issued by the force 'does the job', but every second officer you meet strongly suggests you buy better bits of kit that frankly do the job better. Naturally most officers also tend to agree that it's astounding we don't necessarily get the best kit in the first place. "Well, isn't that the case in most jobs?" some ask "As in the better kit costs more?" Yes, but this job is a little more crucial than selling timeshares, c'mon now.

That's also my bedspread in the picture. Feel honoured.

Today the planned training schedule went out the window. We were ordered to take part in a inter-agency training exercise at a local military base. An interesting experience to see & hear the divisional chain of command working at all levels and actually enacting orders physically on the ground - namely stopping traffic and asking a few questions. It's amazing how cooperative people are when you put on your high-vis uniform and stand in the road firmly asking them to stop. There. Right there. Now. (Thank you sir/madam). Anyways can't say much more on that... Need to know & all that.

I'm an idiot, get me out of here

I have a week's off, next week (w/c 16th). So there's less than a week to sort things out, but lastminuting is half the fun. I did have one idea of where to go, but since that imploded so I'm praying that plan b won't do the same.

I really, really need a break.

Thought I was happy, springy & life was all groovy once more, but a flat weekend suffocated that mercilessly. So here we going sliding into another bout of depression.

Section me now.

I mean, I'm going to be policing your streets soon for crying out loud.

It's not just that work's tiring me out, that unsurprisingly is the case, but the fact that I'm fed up of being tired and lonely down here. Work just... Is. It's really starting to feel like there's little else to wake up for in the morning. I'm happy at work because... I'm busy. It's something to do. Outside of that? Bugger all going on. Television, books, making dinner, watching the wildlife in the garden and then coming on here and depressing the hell out of any reader. I mean, today was a fucking riot. Mowing the lawn, hoovering, ironing and I thought I'd pick myself up with an exceedingly cheerful movie (don't ask).

Anyone that gives a shit is at least sixty miles distant. I know that's like a blink to some of you, it's more of a metaphorical chasm I guess, but still. Fancy going for a pint? Oh fuckit, I forget it's 90mins drive to where you are.

On one level I'm doing fine, on another I feel I made a grave mistake - not with the job, but the location. It seemed a good idea at the time. But I've made my bed, and now I have to lie in it, there's nothing else I can do for another two years. Peversely, I really looking forward to strange hours in the new year, keeping out of everybody's way (save for the complete idiot's who I have to bring in) and immersing myself in everyone else's problems out there, so I won't have to deal with my own.

Hopefully this time next week I'm be packing to go somewhere. If it's where I hope to go; a least one person knows my name there, maybe two if I'm lucky and they're in town. One of them is a very good listener, and I really hope I don't abuse that too much.

Travelling, if nothing else, always feels natural. Ironic that I often feel quite at home, hundreds of miles away...

Hidden Pleasures

Pottering about in town doing the usual Saturday stuff; getting the essentials, dodging mothers wielding buggies like chariots out of Ben Hur and picking up the paper from the newsagent down the road.

So I'm in a charity shop browsing through the second-hand books and casually ask one of the assistants if there's any other charity shops in town that might have a good range of books.
He in fact gives me directions to a second-hand store that I must have gone past umpteen times on my evening jogs around town. Looked scruffy and assuming from the outside, perhaps that's my it hadn't really caught my eye.

Anyway, find said place and end up spending over 3/4 hour in there! Could have easily become a whole afternoon. Fabulous shop. Run by a chain smoking grumpy old bugger straight out of Black Books and what I presumed to be his partner, a dead ringer for Marsha from Spaced - also surrounded by a cloud of cigarette smoke and hunched on the stairs apparently mesmerised by a sudoku puzzle. He was especially amused when I let slip that I used to work for the enemy (Waterstone's).

Books all over the place. Piles on tables, on the floor, obscuring the till...

"There's the shed out back as well if you want to have a browse out there..."

"Oh?"

Walk out the back alleyway and open to door to said shed. Flick the lights on and illuminate a cavernous room full of even more books; like a cross between The Tardis and one of those big secret warehouses that you used to see in The X-Files.

Actually only came out with one book

Endurance by Alfred Lansing

as I got a sort of book-snowblindness after a while.

Just goes to show what you can find on your doorstep if you open your eyes.

Bring it on! (gently)

I got a record card yesterday confirming I had successfully completed my Officer Safety Training.

Self Defence [X]

Rigid Handcuff [X]

Straight Baton (Autolock) [X]

Incapacitant Spray [X]

A few more vital ticks in the box then. The overwhelming majority of the public will come quietly, so I'm told, sod's law dictates I'll walk straight into that 5%.

I was describing to someone the other day, now with all the law input, I'm starting to get the picture that is this particular jigsaw puzzle.

Get a move on

'Get a move on' by Mr Scruff.

Love this track, love the animation... And, well, it just neatly sums things up right now. Even down to the startled-looking animated copper.

Now *that's* a blog

Anousheh Ansari

There's not enough hours in the day

I didn't expect my birthday to put the wind back in my sails to be honest. Okay, I'd sailed into another set of doldrums of my own making, but considering the amount of new and quite alien experience I'm having thrown at me of late, in a new and strange place with new and strange (but overall nice) people, I think I'm entitled to have a regular cyclical bout of minor depression every so often.

As you can tell I'd kinda tried to fly the birthday under the radar somewhat, but still felt compelled to mark it on here, however un-cryptically.

*sigh* I Dunno...

I'm 29, but I in no way do I feel 29, nor apparently do I look 29 (hurrah!). And, I'm quite happy to stay 29 for the foreseeable future thank-you-very-much. Next comes three-zero. I'm told thirties are the new twenties, forties the new thirties, but still it still seems like a slippery slope to me. The death of my youth anyway.

It was probably the contact with friends, old and new back up north, as well as the warmth of family that gave me a little shove back in the right direction. Realised for umpteenth time, after forgetting it;

"Perhaps, I can do this..."

The weekend back up north was great, caught up with old workmates - realised how much I'd changed, and how much I don't miss the place (though I do miss them, and the 33% discount on books). Also saw the mighty Tigers draw 1-1 with Crystal Palace at the KC Stadium. 18,000 people screaming their heads off can lift anyone actually.

Sunday I met up with friends, perused the Beverley Food Festival (organised by my good friend Matt it turns out, for which he can be immensely proud) and then hung out with two girl-friends of mine who as well providing great company were also a great source of amusement. See, they were getting progressively slammed as the afternoon went on, I had to stay sober as a judge seeing that I was driving back down to here. We've already vowed to do that again soon on a future Saturday back north when I can join in and drink my head off.

Also, just when I was beginning to get a little cynical of my course mates and a few little cliques forming, they've gone an organised a big meal for everyone on Wednesday at a local gastropub. Plus many texted me Sunday as well, so surprisingly more people seem to give a damn than I dared think.

Otherwise the fact that I'm being kept so busy down here now is probably a good thing too now; gives me less time to think and dwell. Evenings are fast being eroded by runs, dinner and studying so that I actually have to schedule myself an hour of TV just to break the night up.

Which reminds me, Spooks is about to start, eek!

It was twenty-nine years ago today...

(WIth apologies to The Beatles)

Proof, if proof be needed

...That horoscopes are pure fiction.

Usually they're harmless fun; this one's taking the piss.

Libra Sep24-Oct23

Thu 28th Sep 2006
Anything you tackle at this time should go well. In fact your success at some jobs you take on will exceed your expectations! The more you achieve, the more your confidence will shine. Your high spirits will spread to those around you as you encourage others to try their hand at tasks they've not had the guts to attempt in the past. Make the most of all this cooperation and comradeship.

L O S T

Did anyone else watch the series 2 finalie?

What the...?!

Accession

If I was a Bulgarian or a Romanian right now I'd be a little pissed that...

• Cyprus
• Czech Republic
• Estonia
• Hungary
• Latvia
• Lithuania
• Malta
• Poland
• Slovakia
• Slovenia

...Were allowed to join with no major blocks, but that now that it's time for their ascension their European integration is being 'carefully managed', read with lots more controls than last time round. I'd also be quite annoyed that every time Bulgaria is shown on the news they go to some small rural village and film the horses and carts rumbling past, rather than more picturesque, increasingly cosmopolitain capital.

Granted the UK Home Office underestimated the Eastern European 'influx' last time round (some 100k vs. an actual 500k); the ignorant rent-a-quotes on the street keeps pressing that they're essentially "coming over here and stealing our jobs". Bollocks. Statistically migrant workers are coming over here and doing the jobs that we don't want to do. They live here, they pay tax. Ask your average work-shy layabout (come-on - every community has them), if they'd fancy doing relatively manual low-paid work such as vegetable packing and sorting and I think you know what the answer would be.

I, for one, have absolutely no problem with people coming over here to do work. If they're more competitive in the job market, so bit it.

Wake up; it's a globalised world whether you like it or not.

Trial by night

Some of us got the heads-up on our individual shift patterns come the new year when we go on 'active' duty with our tutor constables.

If the rota's are correct:

My first shift is either a Saturday evening 1600 through 02:00.

Which will be... Ummm, eventful.

Or a Monday night 22:00 through 07:00.

Pass the coffee.

Well, I gotta start somewhere.

Sunday Evening

Saturday Morning

The hazy view out of the open kitchen window, whilst a slight breeze enteres the house to stir the stale overnight air. The soundtrack of Bonobo, Bjork and Kid Loco melds with rhythmic beat of the washing machine. Precisely nothing on the schedule, short of nipping out to get the paper. Currently on cuppa' #3 with the remains of toast on a plate by my side and I sit here realising that I may not move very far at all this weekend.

In less than 100 words describe your morning.

It's got to be a lot more interesting than mine.

Gas!

I would advise you if you're getting aggressive on a night out; do not royally piss off, or take on a Police Officer.

As part of our training today a whole bunch got sprayed with CS Gas.

Okay, well not actually sprayed-in-the-face (like you're average kicking-off crim), but walking through a slightly diluted cloud of the stuff.

That, I tell you, is more than enough.

Think mentholyptus mixed with napalm, or lemsip mixed with uranium. It clears your nose, but boy does it fuck with your throat. And your eyes for that matter.

Tears stream from your face, your eyes clamp involuntarily shut. You cough, you splutter, you spit. All very attractive. Think about 30 of us all doing that, for minutes on end.

Why the hell do we have the option to do this as part of our training? Well, chances are if you have to spray someone as part of your service, some of it will come back on you.

At least now I have an idea what to expect.

Lovely stuff.

Gaffes that make you go hmmmm...

And these are the people that run the planet.

Fantastic.

Seriously bored

I can't face the ironing right now. I've no 'homework' (lets not tempt fate), there's some washing-up pilled by the sink and I can't be bothered to unpack another box of random accumulated stuff that I brought with me when I moved here. Yes, in true procrastinating style, here's one of these questionnaire-thingies.

Je suis tres bored.

Oh dear.

* * * * *
Name:
Ingmar
Birthday:
01/10/1977 (*cough*)
Birthplace:
Beverley, East Yorkshire (contrary to popular belief, not Sweden)
Current Location:
The North (UK)
Eye Color:
Blue, so I'm told
Hair Color:
Brownish
Height:
6'3"
Right Handed or Left Handed:
Right
Your Heritage:
Anglo-Swedish
The Shoes You Wore Today:
Magnum Patrol Boots (still breaking the buggers in)
Your Weakness:
Biscuits
Your Fears:
Failure, loneliness and letting others down
Your Perfect Pizza:
Polo Ad Astra (I think they're called, it's like a chickeny one?)
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:
Pass the end-of-phase exams and prepare myself for the barrage of abuse from the great unwashed
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
'Yeah', 'lol'
Thoughts First Waking Up:
"Ugh, that time already?"
Your Best Physical Feature:
I think, my eyes
Your Bedtime:
Close to midnight, though come the new year that goes right out the window
Your Most Missed Memory:
Travelling; in 2002. Halcyon days, those...
Pepsi or Coke:
Coke
McDonalds or Burger King:
Suprisingly these days, hardly either. But BK on occasion.
Single or Group Dates:
Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:
Neither
Chocolate or Vanilla:
Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:
Cappucciono... But I'd rather have a Latte.
Do you Smoke:
Nope
Do you Swear:
Fuck, yeah! (oops)
Do you Sing:
Badly.
Do you Shower Daily:
Yep.
Have you Been in Love:
Yep.
Do you want to go to College:
Already have thankyouverymuch. Rather fun it was too.
Do you want to get Married:
Hopefully, god forbid should I chance upon anyone crazy enough to actually want to spend large parts of their life in my company.
Do you belive in yourself:
Not enough, I don't think.
Do you get Motion Sickness:
Rarely.
Do you think you are Attractive:
Occasionally. Hence the photograph of Vienna as opposed to a grining shot of this here idiot.
Are you a Health Freak:
Suprisingly heading that way. I keep getting complimented on my lunchbox at work (that's the sandwich kind).
Do you get along with your Parents:
Even now more so than before, bless 'em.
Do you like Thunderstorms:
Oh yeah, I LOVE watching them
Do you play an Instrument:
The piano, once. But did not persevere.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:
Yep, Argentinian dry white about a, oooo, half-hour ago?
In the past month have you Smoked:
Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
Yeah, like I could do that now in my new line of work... That's a n o .
In the past month have you gone on a Date:
Nope.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:
A shopping centre. Queen's English here please.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
Nope. Although I haven't had any in a while.Hmmm, when does Tesco's close?
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:
Nope, never really been a big fan. I don't mind the stuff, but I won't go out of my way for it.
In the past month have you been on Stage:
Nope.
In the past month have you been Dumped:
Nope.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:
Nope, have done when I was younger though!
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
No, no, no! For god's sake, what's my new career?!
Ever been Drunk:
Pope. Catholic?
Ever been called a Tease:
Yep.
Ever been Beaten up:
Yep.
Ever Shoplifted:
Back in the mists of time, yep.
How do you want to Die:
Lance Armstrong has it right: "I want to die at a hundred years old with an American flag on my back and the star of texas on my helmet, after screaming down an alpine descent on a bicycle at 75mph. I want to cross one last finish line as my stud wife and my ten children applaud, and then I want to lie down in a field of those famous French sunflowers and gracefully expire..." Ok, minus, the flag, the star and perhaps slightly fewer chidren, that's not a bad way to go...
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:
Erm, I am grown up? Well, twenty years ago I wanted to be an astronaunt.
What country would you most like to Visit:
Have a real burning passion for Russia right now.
Number of CDs I own:
Just shy of 300. I catalogued them a few weeks back - for geeky/insurance purposes.
Number of Piercings:
Zero.
Number of Tattoos:
None
Number of things in my Past I Regret:
Plenty, and I learn from them. I hope.

Did something amazing today

(Apart from stealing that slogan)

I gave blood.

Never done it before, so it was a rather interesting experience to say the least.

Ooo, and free biscuits at the end which is always a bonus in my book.

After answering all the deep & probing questions I apparently have plenty of iron in my blood and it was a nice deep oxygenated colour. I am actually quite looking forward to finding out my blood group in the following week once they done all of their tests & things.

It's just a strange sight when they hold up a bag full of warm crimson-coloured liquid and you realise that just came out of you.

Annoyingly I can't drink for the rest of the day; frustrating as I'm just about to head down the pub to watch Man U v Arsenal (come on Arsenal!!). Nor can I have a glass of wine whilst watching Spooks tonight.

But seriously now, it's a mind-blowing thought to think that blood of mine will eventually be flowing through someone else's veins. It's a simple procedure, but it makes such a difference.

Unexpected kindness

Two days of 'safety training' brought another working week to a close with another round of aches, pains and strains in whole new sets of muscles I didn't know I had. But it's all good fun, and of course critical to the career I'm embarking on. So beware. I do have handcuffs, and I do know how to use them.

What has been a tough week was also lightened by a wonderful act of kindness from an unexpected source. You know who you are, so I won't go embarrassing you any further. But it was a fantastic surprise, and such generosity. Thank you so much.

Friday night. The plan? Television, and a surprisingly early night methinks. Don't ask me to stretch for anything right now, I think I'd collapse.

Venturing out of the crib: part two

Really interesting day today. Can't go into too much detail of course, because of the nature of my job every second form I see is marked restricted, every second conversation; confidential.

However, I can remark upon this:

For the first time in my training I ventured out on patrol around the town in which I'll be working, accompanied by a tutor officer. Body armour and everything. Strapping up the Kevlar was admittedly quite exciting, as was catching glimpses of myself in any reflective surface. Another reminder of how real this is getting, real quick.

Walking down the street, for the first time in uniform, was a very strange feeling indeed. Imagine you're surrounded by a bubble. This bubble extends out about fifty meters in all directions, and as you walk along and people enter into that bubble, they're immediately aware of your presence and stare right at you. Some smile, some stare. Pretty much all watch your every move, as you pass through.

I can't say I'm someone who seeks the limelight. I'm not exactly a loner, but I prefer the company of small groups to large, of individuals to groups. Being the centre of attention is strange. But I'm going to have to get used to it awfully quickly.

Nine/eleven

I know exactly where I was this afternoon, five years ago.

Approximately 3,500 miles away from the horror of that day.

Literally and figuratively; an ocean away.

I was working at the bookshop most of that week, but since I was roat'd to work the weekend, I had the Tuesday off.

I remember clearly, like everyone does now, where I was when I first heard the news.

I was upstairs at my parent's house, writing an email offline to one of my friends.

The phone went. Unusually for the middle of the day, it was my grandmother.

"You should turn the TV on," she said, again, unusual for her "the Empire State Building is on fire."

Bless her, my gran's never been plugged into Americana. She once asked a visiting friend of mine from the states:

"Whereabouts are you from?"

"California" my friend says.

"Is that in the USA?" asks Gran, innocently.

Anyway, I digress.

So thinking it was the Empire State, what would have been an equally shocking sight anyway, I turned on the TV.

The same images. On all the channels.

Deep, thick back plumes of smoke were billowing from deep gashes in both of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Centre. Flames licked up the sides and debris continued to rain down.

Staggeringly, LIVE was emblazoned in the top right hand-corner of the screen.

Unusually for professional newscasters, the anchors were hesitant, clearly shocked themselves. Something of great magnitude had clearly just occurred.

I remember one of them saying something to the effect of

"We're just going to run that video again... Can we get that video? You're seeing this again as we are, what looks like a clear and deliberate act... A second plane hitting the south tower..."

I shouted, shouted for my dad to come in from the garden. He would want to know what was happening, but part of me as well wanted to check that hat I was seeing was real. So shockingly real.

We must have sat transfixed for the next six hours, as the events unfolded. Mum joined us later on that afternoon, in a kind of quiet tele-vigil.

What else could be do but watch?

I remember arguing geo-politics the next day with an old email friend of mine. They argued that this wasn't a turning point in world history, that things would settle down. I argued the opposite; that this heralded an uncertain new age.

I hate to be right sometimes.

Written with the deepest respect, and in memory of the 2,749.

Venturing out of the crib

It feels like putting on a suit of armour.

One piece at a time.

I've had some basics in theory, and practical, but nowhere near a fraction of what I need to effectively go out on patrol.

Today was radios.

Following practical lectures on the in's & out's of the new police radio system all morning, we were actually let loose outside the confines of the station come the afternoon. In uniform. For the first time. Like dutiful children we were told exactly where to go, but still it felt, and damn well looked like, every member of the public was staring at us as we ventured out in pairs to do some role-play in-situ.

Suddenly call signs and instructions came blaring over the earpiece thick and fast, on the one hand you're listing out for your letters and numbers whilst simultaneously interviewing the actor/volunteer and scribbling down the key points of what they're saying.

Fast-forward around six months however; doing it for real. I'm exhilarated and scared shitless by that thought.

Anyway, the weekend was excellent, and I'm real annoyed that I seem to have lost my Bluetooth 'dongle' (which lets my mobile talk & transfer to my computer). I'll upload pics when I can, in the meanwhile this review (of his Glasgow gig) sums up the experience pretty well. Just damn fine pop music at the end of the day, he doesn't pretend to be anything else. Good on the bloke.

Part of Sunday was spent directly under the flight path of the Red Arrows display team, performing over a local aerodrome. Again - an awesome sight and another set of pictures I really must upload here when I can.

Funny - I can't seem to relax when I go home these days (in a nice way, kinda'). It's either seeing as many friends-that-I-haven't-seen-in-a-while, or some other task or event that takes up all the time.

Whilst the evenings down here, are long, dark, and admittedly a little lonely.

I don't look forward to winter.

Mars

Two years since they landed on the red planet, the Mars Rovers are still going strong with plenty of life in them. Some of the images they’ve taken are, to me, simply breathtaking.

I keep having to remind myself, awestruck, this is another planet!

The weekend starts here

Wohoo!

The weekend just turned on its heel in the best possible way.

It's gone from, well frankly no plans at all to be honest, to hopefully joining around 120,000 other people for the totally sold-out Robbie Williams gig at Roundhay Park in Leeds. The support isn't half bad either; Basement Jaxx and Orson!

My good friend Becky bought the highly sought-after tickets a good while back, hoping to sell two of them on E-Bay for a profit. Fair enough, I thought, I would have been interested but didn't have money at the time. So apparently there's been a few distribution problems getting the tickets out, and therefore she won't have time to put them on E-Bay. Hence she's offered them to her friends for the cover price. Yay!

Now, thanks to my Police pay packet, I can actually afford to join them...

I was lucky enough last summer to get one get one the hottest tickets around; Live8. That proved to be one of the most awesome, and influential gigs I'll probably ever see in my life. Robbie was one the highlights on that day, and I'd love to see he again. He does what he says on the tin; crowd pleasing pop music with showmanship perhaps inherited from the late Freddie Mercury.

Can't wait!

Death by Powerpoint

I wish I'd never learned to use the damn software.

I should have just used a flipchart.

Ugh.

It's late, my eyes are aching, and everytime I read the bloody presentation through again there seems to be yet another glitch on a slide that I didn't see the first time around.

!£$% &* @^# !!!

Great, and the training hasn't really yet begun to bite yet.

So I'm told.

Crocs Rule!

Gutted to hear about Steve Irwin.

We need more people like him who are genuinely, fiercely passionate about the world in which we live.

I bet if he's looking down from heaven though, regarding the Stingray and exclaiming:

"Gee, I think I've really pissed him off now..."