Police officers are human too

I should really be sleeping right now, that's what a sensible person would do.

But no.

The excitement, the worry... It's literally pulsing through my veins rendering me fully awake until I finally collapse into bed sometime in the wee hours.

Though our last week of phase 3 classroom study was somewhat anti-climactic (the aforementioned IT training), many of us didn't want it to end. Surprising, considering how bored I was about it all when I last posted.

Over the 20-odd weeks of training, at least once a week someone in my division would think out loud:

"Oh, can't we just get out there?!"

By Friday this had changed to a nervous laugh and

"Ummm, actually we like it here... Can't we stay just a little bit longer?"

Like many things in life though, the longer you put something off, the greater the dread and anticipation becomes. So better now to take that deep breath, that running jump, and dive the hell in, before your dread consumes you entirely and leaves you a nervous wreck.

But we were at least able to take our mind off worrying about worrying (my speciality - that), for a few hours at least on Thursday. A not-very-secret Policeman's Ball closed the week, and the formal classroom training for that matter, in rather spectacular fashion. Rather formal it was too. Tuxedos and beautiful dresses. Long tables, candles and waiter service. Good food, embarrassing dancing.

Much enjoyed by myself, and my date for the evening.

Yes, you read that right.

At this rate I'm actually in danger of thawing out my deep-frozen love life and rejoining the human race.

Truly excellent timing as well, as it takes my mind, once more, off that god-damned anticipation.

T-minus four days...

...Until I go out on patrol with a tutor constable.

That's ten weeks of:

Real people

Real incidents

Real arrests

And

Really lots of paperwork too.

Suffice as to say am excited...

..But bricking-it at the same time.

This last week of phase-three training has been bone-gnawingly dull; learning a whole number of computer systems that we will use during our career, plus tying up various loose administrative ends.

However I suspect I will cherish such relatively slow moments in weeks to come.

Transformers

*sigh*

Okay, okay.

I can already hear the chorus of:

"Yes, but the movie will suck. Big time."

And yes, it's a Michael Bay film, so we're hardly talking Oscar-material here now are we?

However, I like my big dumb fun at times.

This totally takes me back to my childhood; glued to the comics.

It's Optimus-bloody-Prime for godsakes! I'm sorry; how can I not get excited?

All is (still) quiet, on New Year's Day

Good lord, that's one resolution I actually stuck to!

I can't believe...

1. This blog is one year old today - the product of a sudden resolution to actually maintain one, made exactly a year ago.
2. That I actually kept it going after more than a handful of entries.

Thanks to all readers, lurkers & passers by for actually taking the time and interest in what has been a sort of therapy and creative outlet for my troubled little mind over the past twelve months.

Nothing terribly exciting to report to kick off this new year. However I did spring clean the house from tip to toe this afternoon, following a deeply lazy sleep-in.

See, I can be house-trained.

One hopes it will remain in this state for at least 24 hours.

This year's resolutions?

No idea.

Still thinking...

I may be some time.

The Beauty Of Uncertainty

Spending this one indoors in blissful contemplation of 12 months of changes, rather than outside in the biting wind, or pressed six-to-the-bar in eternal queues and new year's overpricing.

Buy turns interesting, suprising, shocking and reassuring, it's been quite a year, don't you think?

I chanced upon this writer (featured below), quoted in the sleavenotes for KT Tunstall's 'Acoustic Extravaganza'. In the closing hours of 2006 these words seem especially poignant.

Happy New Year to one and all.

Wherever you are.

* * * * *

The Beauty of Uncertainty
by Brian Hendricks

'Doubt is not a pleasant situation, but certainty is absurd' - Voltaire

People with missing children. Children without parents. People without food or water. There are many who are destroyed by not knowing what the future holds.

For those of us more fortunate, the beauty of uncertainty is that it motivates us to seek certainty.

We are compelled to replace doubt with conviction, to replace confusion with clarity, to be more fearful of old ideas instead of new ones. Nothing is more disparaged than the person who is lost, hesitant, and anxious.

Yet the true path to fulfillment comes from these conditions. Uncertainty becomes truly beautiful when connected withthe certainty that there is a better life beyond the life that is known.

The artist, scientist, entrepreneur, athlete, and traveller: all embrace uncertainty as their muse. What is going to happen next is more enticing than what is happening now. The thrill of anticipation, the mystery of the unknown, the open road, mistakes as portals of discovery, the inevitability of change, purpose from chaos, questions leading to answers, failure as the threshold of knowledge. All of these conditions inform the life of the adventurer, the human being who is engaged in becoming.

The beauty of uncertainty is that it prepares us to embrace life in the face of death. Allows us the strength to deal with the freedom to choose. To willingly exchange the fear of uncertainty for the security of certainty is to admit defeat. To surrender to the fear of actually living your life.

As T. S Eliot observed, 'Where is the life we have lost in living?'

Nothing moves forward except by the craving to seek certainty from uncertainty.

Lost In America

Flicking through old newspapers to put in the recycling bin, I stopped in my tracks and read this article in full.

Sale!

Rather hypocritically, considering the closing of my last entry, I escorted mum into the city to peruse the post-Christmas sales.

All I’m wondering is this. Why in the men’s departments or even in dedicated men’s-clothing stores are there just as many, or often more, women about than men? It’s bad enough battling the crowds of slavering shoppers, but isn’t there some little part part of the commercial district of a town that we can have to our grufty selves please? I don’t want to have to have every article of clothing that looks remotely nice immediately snatched out of my sight by the scarlet-tipped claws of some hyperactive girlfriend or wife cooing

“Ooo, I think Jeffrey would love that.”

I end up thinking to myself:

“Well fine then - get Geoffrey’s bloody arse down here then and get out of my way!! Hey lady, check that out - there’s 50% off at Monsoon!”

*Stampede*

"It was Christmas Eve babe..."

Did the Chris Rea-thing (Driving home for Christmas… De de de de-de) yesterday afternoon, so I’m now back up north with parents & family for the duration of the festive period.

Having relaxed into holiday-vibe back up here, mother-dearest and I ventured out to do some traditional last-minute shopping around town. The interest-rate hikes must be really hitting because the shopping centres were surprisingly devoid of the usual hordes of rabid shoppers. Blissfully breezed up to counters and even managed to find a half-decent spot in a café. Seeing that didn’t stress me out in the slightest, dare I say I may actually be getting in a Christmas mood at this point?

Heading round to see some old friends this evening for our usual tradition....

1. Start off at Becky & Dave’s, where she’s done the hostess thing with nibbles-aplenty, and watch whatever tat there is on TV whilst exchanging presents & cards.
2. Then it’s off into Beverley for the gentlest of pub crawls; more emphasis on the merry, than the hardcore drinking that many persist still with.
3. Come midnight we attend mass at Beverley Minster – one of northern Europe’s most spectacular cathedrals – to inject some much-needed spirituality back into the mordern Christmas mayhem.

Now I don't believe you don’t have to be Christian to pay homage to the life of a great man who lived some 2000 years ago and had a profound effect on the course of human history. I’m an agnostic, but I would say I have greater belief in spirit, and the power of religion for good, than I do in the Argos or DFS sales that convince us they will change your world for the better through a simple credit card transaction.

And on that note…

I should really be getting ready to head out.

Wishing you all the very best this Christmas, wherever you are on the planet.

See you on the other side.

Surfacing

I seem to have received a surprising amount of Christmas cards from neighbours, even as a newbie to this random little cul-de-sac. All the more surprising in that with the deep, dark, murk of winter it doesn't seem like I've actually seen any of them to exchange street-side banter with, since forever-and-an-age ago. Are they just being neighbourly, or because they now know I'm a cop (word soon got around it seems) are they just trying to stay on my perceived 'good' side?

Anyway, I got a particularly nice surprise in the post the other morning. I opened an envelope to find this gorgeous hand-made card.

And I quote...

"Dear Ingmar,It was about a year ago, that I bought some travel books from Waterstone's, including "The Worst Journey In The World" which you had recommended. These were presents and you gave me some very helpful guidance.

As a grateful customer I would like to thank you with this card, drawn on a cruise, as I thought it would be of interest. Earlier this year I learnt that you have moved on, but Steve [my old manager] kindly gave me your name and said he would forward this onto you.

I hope you are enjoying your new employment.

With best wishes for Christmas & 2007."

[illustration was labelled "settlement near Sisimuit, west coast of Greenland"

Now, for me it really is the smallest things. The little gestures. Someone taking time and effort out from their daily routine to simply be... Kind. Things like that can not only can lift a whole day, they've already added to general upward-trajectory of feeling and self-belief. Something I think I've been sorely lacking of late.

See this has come around the time of an easing of pressure somewhat, to do with work and the trials hitherto. A break. A chance to mentally regroup and prepare for the real fun and games in the new year.

On Monday I had my 'final exam' of the theory-learning stage. Now this was something that I'd been literally loosing sleep over for weeks. Following a massive wake-up call about halfway through the course (a pretty shocking test-mark), I had my own very private long dark night of the soul. Spent many a night awake; questioning my choices, my abilities, my raison d'etre. Hard work, revision and grit saw it through. I think. Or maybe a fucking great stroke of luck (excuse my French). I passed to my complete and utter relief. Astonishingly, I sail through with a half-decent mark and some colleagues who hitherto had exhibited little outward signs of crisis... Failed. Quite spectacularly. A real surprise that. Perhaps it was perversely, a good outcome afterall then in that I didn't become complacent along the way?

We break for Christmas in a few days. But, the trials are by no means over at all. Come January 8th I head out onto the streets with a tutor constable. Real people. Real lives. Real situations.
A chance for another deep breath now, before I dive into things once more.

Santa madness

Disney tells Santa clone ho-ho no